Waiting for First Light: My Ongoing Battle with PTSD

I suppose those in the know (I must be the last one to 'discover' General Dallaire as a writer) all over Canada, he is an warhorse with a huge heart. Personally, I find the title totally appropriate for dealing with situations of 'PTSD' of the non-combat variety. I can lose sleep with the author, worrying about the dead body-count, yet rejoice in his ability to fight-back the very next paragraph. This book is excellent for anyone as it's written like a tale polished from countless retellings, like a story passed on through the centuries it's bigger for how quickly it passes. Actually it's rather like reading 'Twas the Night Before Christmas.We'll aways wish we can have Rwanda back, but I'm glad now that this was history not fiction; it's a knotty, tattered thread but it's a link to our shared humanity's past; the collective suicide that was colonialism, that only a Canadian could understand.

This is an extremely wonderful book. It's an honour to be the first to review it. Romeo Dallaire talks about the effect of PTSD in his life. He uses his experiences as a military commander to spread awareness about this disorder, advocates for better quality of life for Canadian troops & child soldiers. Once I started reading it, I couldn't put it down. The book is highly informative and interesting and everything flows so smoothly. It's compelling. I got to learn some new things about him, some military information, things regarding Canada and so much more. I love that it's very inspiring, informative, interesting, honest, and, in a nutshell, amazing. Reading this book, you really get a sense of what it's like to have PTSD. As someone with this disorder, I could relate to some of his symptoms. But his is more severe than mine. I am glad that he is getting some help. It's an excellent book. Also, by reading this book, I have a better understanding of his missions, what veterans go through, and he has lived a very extraordinary life. I'm looking forward to reading his next book. I highly recommend it to all.

I wish I had read this book when it was first published. A courageous and personal account of his own battle with PTSD. A wake up call to the world about the atrocities of genocide, and the adverse effects on the soldiers called upon to deal with impossible situations. Unfortunately, similar atrocities have always, and continue to occur around the world, but great humanitarians like General Dallaire help tip the balance in the right direction. He eloquently makes the point that soldiers with PTSD need proper support and appropriate treatment, not condemnation . Everyone should read this book.

What a heavy read. I am sorry to hear about such suffering by those Romeo tried to help and Romeo himself (including his ghost writer for his other book dying by suicide). An important read about genocide and PTSD from those who witness it.

This book is the best personal account yet of the Ancient Mariner's "Life-in-Death" that causes 30 military members to commit suicide every day

Everyone should read this book.

Amazing story with historic insight. A personal look at mental health and its impact on an individual and their family. A call to action for Western governments and the international community as well.

A powerful book that I recommend to a wide audience. It will benefit professional military, first responder, governmental policy and veteran audiences with a perspective that will make them more effective in their humanity. On a personal level, sharing General Dallaire's journey through a life affected by PTSD, put many life experiences in context. If one comes from families that have traditions of service, especially those of us who were raised by the WW II generation, the journey provides explanation to a great deal about what now appears more and more to have been coping mechanisms by our family members. The "wound" of PTSD is laid bare in this book in a way that gives all of us with a conscience pause to rethink how we all work with the wounded to give them the best chance to rejoin us in the journey of life. In truth, after reading this work, we realize that we are all wounded if we do not.Another theme in this work that is as compelling may be termed the "ability of our societies, communities and governments to confront evil forthrightly and with the forces and tools of will necessary to defeat it before it destroys us." That too many will experience PTSD when we fail to demonstrate courage and forthrightness in the confrontation of evil comes though clearly in General Dallaire's work. For when we fail, the alternative is to throw good soldiers at our failure, often without the necessary means to defeat this enemy. And those who survive will always bear the physical wounds and the wounds of PTSD--and the wound of PTSD will extend beyond the soldier to family, community and country in its affect. And in the end there really isn't an alternative to the confrontation if as a society we desire to survive. For if we do not confront evil, in this case Rwanda, it may consume our society.We exist in a world of competing forces. One of those forces is evil in its many manifestations. To survive, we must confront evil when it appears. And when we confront evil it will often be with armed force--our soldiers will suffer wounds and one of those wounds will be PTSD in its many forms. If we are a society with any conscience or sense or right we will do what must be done to heal, at least stabilize that wound. General Dallaire makes this reality of PTSD clear in the journey he bravely shares with us. He presents every one of us with the duty we have to seek to heal the PTSD wounded.

This is one of the most heart breaking and yet inspirational books I have ever read. In 1994 Former Lt. Gen Romeo Dallaire was sent to Rwanda to head UNAMIR, the UN peacekeeping presence attached to oversee the peace agreement in the hope of ending the Rwandan civil war between the two main ethnic groups: the Tutsi and Hutu. Instead, the peace agreement collapsed and Hutu extremists used the subsequent chaos to orchestrate the worst genocide since the Second World War. Throughout the genocide Dallaire attempted to appeal to the international community for reinforcements, additional equipment and medical supplies. Virtually all of his pleas fell on deaf ears and he was forced to watch helplessly as 800,000 people were slaughtered in 100 days.By the time the genocide had ended Dallaire was a broken man - a shell of who he once was. Dallaire found it near impossible to reintegrate back into society after spending 3 months surrounded with the constant smell, sound and sight of death. He noted that when he returned to Canada very few people asked him about Rwanda, about the things he had encountered. It was only a few weeks after the genocide and everyone seemed to have already forgotten about it. This intentional amnesia hurt him deeply, and as a result he went on a self-destructive spree of speaking at conventions to deliver speeches on the genocide almost every day - Dallaire refused to let the world forget. However, while trying to get over the horrors he witnessed he was simultaneously condemning himself to relive it every day. Additionally, Dallaire soon found he couldn't sleep at night. The nightmares would overcome him and he would only be awoken a few hours covered in swear. It wasn't just because of the nightmares - the darkness provided no distraction for his mind. With no stimulation his mind would wander back to Rwanda. Every night he would experience flashes of brutal and vivid images of the dead and dying, of those he was unable to save. It was only with the break of dawn that these images stopped invading his mind.The book is also effective in how it illustrates the alienation many sufferers have to endure. His emotional trauma had a destructive effect on his relationships. To avoid letting his family see him in this state, he would live separately. Often in a one-bedroom apartment and live off canned food. Once an extrovert as an officer in the Canadian military, he fell into loneliness. He would deliver a speech on the genocide then go to a hotel and proceed to drink, hurt himself and sometimes fly into a rage and the wreck his room. Even when he was delivering speeches in front of hundreds of people at a time, he still felt lonely and empty. He would visit his family on weekends, but his wife would unintentionally trigger such an emotive response over the smallest of things. Whenever he flew into a rage his wife, "understandably frustrated", would ask if he had taken his pills. Alienation is the curse of the sufferer.Suicide became an attractive option for Dallaire and the book goes into quite graphic detail about his many suicide attempts (though not all of them). In most of these suicide attempts he was stopped at the timely intervention of people around him. In a conference in 2001, 2 months after a suicide attempt, he claimed he was "too stupid" to finish the job, stating "I don't cut myself deep enough, I don't stab myself hard enough, I don't jump off things that are high enough".This book is not only about the depression and self-harm, the alcohol abuse and the suicide attempts that has plagued Dallaire for the past 20 years. It is a book about the problems huge numbers of veterans face across the world, and how these problems are grossly misunderstood by society. Conflict has changed; there are no victory parades for peacekeepers. Dallaire asks how can the public be shocked when soldiers, like himself, have attempted or committed suicide when the public have no intention of hearing about their experiences (especially in peacekeeping operations)?The other message of the book is that helping others, though not a cure, can provide solace for those afflicted with PTSD. Dallaire himself is now on the frontline against mass atrocities, the use of child soldiers and child trafficking. Using his experiences in Rwanda as well as a leader in the Canadian military, he heads one of the most influential NGOs against child exploitation in the world. To Dallaire, this calling has breathed new life into him. Prior to tackling child exploitation, he seemed to have just been existing, albeit by a thread. At times wishing for death - hoping he would die through his workaholic ethic or by his own hands, and at other times totally indifferent. Dallaire is almost aged 70 but he is angry. Not because he wants to die, but because he feels as though he's running out of time to make a difference. By the end you realize the title of the book, "Waiting For First Light", has developed a new connotation. While at first he awaited for the break of day to end the nightmare of darkness, Dallaire now sees the light as the dawn of a new day to make a difference.I would like to end the review with this sobering quote."Rwanda will never end and I will never be free. I know there is no remedy for what I saw, what I did and did not do, during those three months of hell. There are no painkillers for the angst, the guilt, and the excruciating vividness of that time and that place. The annual ritual of reliving Rwanda in its foulest of times is the curse of the survivor. Each night I take my pills, and try to sleep with the hope that I will not awaken again amidst the roaming souls who still wander the hills of Rwanda, asking me to join them.”

A brilliant, searing book.

No matter who you are, how little or how much you know about operational stress injuries, please consider reading this book. It is as concise, clear, unapologetically direct and mercilessly accurate report on what PTSD really means, represents and signifies as you will ever find in print. It also spells out the implications of OSIs for all of us - put simply, that PTSD signifies societal ( not individual) failure.After having treated PTSD for 30 years, I must admit this book speaks to what I witnessed - military, civilian, police. The worst cases always had 2 things in common. First, the extreme nature of the events themselves. Second, the fact that the victim was left to live with it, for too long, in isolation, surrounded by people who didn't understand and, too often, just did not want to know.If we send them (police, fire, military, first responders...) don't we have the responsibility to at least try to listen?Reading this book will help you learn what to listen for.I wish I'd read it three decades ago.

Shake hands with the Devil changed me profoundly as a sixteen year old high school student. I will never forget the story nor the man whom many people (myself included) owe a great deal to. From the moment I found out that Mr. Dallaire was publishing a third book, I was excited and eager to read it. In an interview, he described a little bit about it and for some reason, I cried. It would be a prelude of what would end up happening for the next two days as I could not put the book down. He bares his heart and soul, describing the pure torture and agony of his struggles with PTSD. How he describes the drinking, self-injury and various suicide attempts in powerful prose left me reeling, completely shocked. By the end, he wonders to himself if this memoir would he be held in contempt and view him as a weakling? I think it would be safe to say that everyone who knows about him will say that no. On the contrary, this memoir showcases his strength and the beauty of his humanity. When I finished, I wept for a good ten minutes, in sadness and complete awe. However hard of a book this is, it is worth reading. Heartbreaking and soul-wrenching but with lingering optimism, Waiting for First Light will change lives and even save some. I urge everyone to read this magnificent book.(Also a good idea to have tissues near by).

Thought provoking book on Dallaire’s PTSD experience after Rwanda. He gives a fairly factual accounting, but I went through a wide range of emotions while reading and I have a tremendous amount of unanswered questions. This is an informative and necessary read for basic understanding of PTSD and what we ask from our soldiers, police, etc.The idea of cradle to grave care for first responders and military personnel is interesting and I would like to read some of his projects that never saw the light of day. His determination and perseverance through all his struggles is almost inconceivable. Hats off to his continued dedication. My respect to his family for their love and support too.