The Gifts of Imperfection: 10th Anniversary Edition: Features a new foreword and brand-new tools Paperback – March 1, 2022

-I originally bought this book in May of 2011. I can't remember exactly why it spoke to me, but I know I was looking for self esteem boosting books. I think maybe the title resonated because I realized I was having some trouble with perfectionism. Accepting mistakes, compassion for myself, forgiving myself, but also pushing forward to being a better person, a better worker, friend, girlfriend, etc. It resonates today because I see how much of a perfectionist I can be, and how much trouble I am having forgiving myself for past mistakes, and trying not to label myself because of them. I am having trouble sufficiently feeling the guilt enough to change, letting that feeling in, but then forgiving myself, and not letting those behaviors define who I am as a person.How did the book address this?-I think these quotes from the book really get to the heart of the message: "Perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval and acceptance.... Healthy striving is self-focused--How can I improve? Perfectionism is other-focused--What will they think?... Perfectionism is addictive because when we invariably do experience shame, judgment, and blame, we often believe it's because we weren't perfect enough. So rather than questioning the faulty logic of perfectionism, we become even more entrenched in our quest to live, look, and do everything just right." Brown, Brene (2010-09-20). The Gifts of Imperfection (p. 56-57). Hazelden. Kindle Edition.-What I got from this is that perfectionism tricks us into thinking we have it all: we can feel connected and invulnerable and in control. BUT, it is ultimately unsatisfying because it #1) it is a lie. We aren't in control or invulnerable, or perfect. And #2) it requires us to change who we are -- and the connection we most desire is a connection based on being truly known by another person. So in order to feel connected AND known, we have to accept the reality that we are imperfect, and we are vulnerable, and we are not in control.-And while connection is obviously a huge source of joy, Brene also talks about the other kinds of joy that perfectionism halts in its tracks: meaningful work, enjoyable hobbies, creative endeavors, etc. Again, because perfectionism tries to give us a sense of control, and thereby tries to prevent the possibility of loss, we often don't even try to have joyful things, or we deny the level of joy something is giving us in order to feel less hurt when it leaves.-And the book has a lot of great suggestions as to ways get past the feelings of inadequacy perfectionism is rooted in, and also ways to lean into the vulnerability of imperfection. Another great topic the book covered (and that it alerted me to) was the importance of shame as a barrier to self acceptance and love and joy. (But as you will see below, I really recommend its sister book for more on this piece). And I love Brene's emphasis on authenticity as a goal. It is fascinating and inspiring.Where I still don't feel resolution:-One of the things she mentions to get when you are feeling shame is getting connected, sharing your story. But I have a few concerns about that:-She doesn't explain in detail WHO has earned the right to hear your story and HOW to cultivate those friendships. If you are reading the book is stands to reason that you may very well not have those friendships. If you are cultivating your authenticity and dealing with feelings of inadequacy, you may have surrounded yourself with inauthentic and judgmental people because of your need for approval from these types.-Even if you are at some stage where you have a few compassionate and caring friends (which I do feel lucky enough to have), it requires them to always be open to your shame at the moment you need them without regard to the "stuff" they bring to the day. If you are feeling shame about X today, and so are they, your attempt at connection may trigger their shame even deeper and they will "imperfectly" push you away. I wanted her to talk more about those situations. It is great when you can have an empathetic ear to listen, and it feels amazing, but even with the world's best friends, you cannot always expect that will be available to you whenever you need it.-And then even if you catch your friends on a day where they are feeling great, or can be present to your needs and your shame, what if you are a "gusher," and you are at the beginning stages of dealing with your inadequacy issues, and you feel shame "a lot"? You can become an emotional drain to them, and push them away. I wanted some more information about self-soothing in shame situations, or how to manage connecting with friends in those moments.I am still not sure how I am going to be able integrate this intellectual understanding into a daily practice. When I do something "wrong", especially something I have done wrong a hundred times before, will I be able to lean into the guilt, instead of the shame? Will I be able to lean into the vulnerability? Will I be able to be present to the vulnerability around me?I know a big part of this is simply practice. And finding strategies that resonate. But the first step for me is an intellectual understanding, and this is certainly worth reading if that is something that is important to you.Supplementary Materials:-I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't): Telling the Truth About Perfectionism, Inadequacy, and Power: Brene's other book. Really great book about shame - I didn't know how important shame was until I read this, but trust me, it is very important and taught me a TON.-Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself from Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life:talks about the "gusher", but you can get the quick version in this article in the huffington post website called: Judith Orloff MD: Are You an Emotional Gusher? (Amazon won't let me post the link, but searching should easily pull it up)

This is one of those books that I want to buy a case of and just hand out at opportune times. Like high school graduation, new jobs, babies, bad weeks, etc. It's really that useful.It's a brief little book, packed with a lot of observations and data, but not a lot of prescriptive advice. Brown lays out what she's found from her research and lets you think about how to apply it to your life. I appreciate that she said what she had to say and then stopped. So many times I feel like books, especially in the self-help/non-fiction category, stretch beyond what they actually have to say and end up being repetitive. This is a little book full of ideas, as my highlighting testifies.There is so much I want to excerpt because Brown is excellent at pithy and thought-provoking statements."It was clear from the data that we cannot give our children what we don't have. Where we are on our journey of living and loving with our whole hearts is a much stronger indicator of parenting success than anything we can learn from how-to books.""Shame hates it when we reach out and tell our story. It hates having words wrapped around it--it can't survive being shared. Shame loves secrecy. The most dangerous thing to do after a shaming experience is hide or bury our story. When we bury our story, the shame metastasizes.""Until we can receive with an open heart, we are never really giving with an open heart. When we attach judgment to receiving help, we knowingly or unknowingly attach judgment to giving help."(Yes, I needed to read the thing about asking for help this week.)This is not a perfect book -- I wanted more numbers, more quantification, and possibly slightly less religion-as-a-requirement, but those are just my biases.I do love that Brown is very personal and honest about her revelation that there is not a right way to be, just a way that leads to more emotional resiliency and seems to be associate with happier people. I like that this book is not about what you must do right now, but rather has lots of chapters on behavior that is helpful to the soul, and behavior that contributes to feeling bad.Read if: You struggle with shame, or imposter syndrome, or feeling like you are not worth everything you have been given. If you are secretly faking it all the time in your heart, this is a good book to read.Skip if: You feel like you are already living in a good balance with yourself, and you are already pretty good at self-forgiveness. Also skip if you are allergic to self-help books.Also read: No, just read this one. You'll thank me.

I could not put this book down. It is profoundly written. I struggle with finishing books—let alone self-help books—because they often have the same tone and method for overcoming challenges. But Brené Brown writes with such depth, authenticity, and relevance.This book provides countless takeaways on how to live life on your own terms. I’m 29, turning 30 next year, and this book has inspired me to acknowledge all of my life experiences and throw them into one big pot—the good and the bad—to create a life that has meaning to me and for me.I loved that she gives actionable insights and takeaways. I especially appreciated how she intertwined faith into the book for us believers. The quiz helped me understand my strengths and the areas in life I need to cultivate. GENIUS!For anyone considering this book, don’t second-guess—BUY THE BOOK! Keep a highlighter and pen nearby, and dive in.As honest as I can be, I haven’t finished a book since college. This is the first one I’ve completed in six years—and I finished it in just one week!