The Betrayal Bind: How to Heal When the Person You Love the Most Hurts You the Worst

This book was recommended to me, and I gladly recommend it to others. The author creates a framework to actually talk about the pain of infidelity. I didn't have these concepts or words even for my own thoughts. It is such a relief to receive explanations for the push-and-pull feelings infidelity causes. I do wish the author could write a book for those who did not have the choice to stay or go. This book is written on the premise that the betrayal was fairly recent and that the reader is choosing or has chosen to either work on the relationship or leave it. I am very grateful for the framework, terms, and concepts this book provides for working through the hurts and wounds. However, not everyone who experiences infidelity has that choice. Sometimes the betrayer leaves for an affair partner, and sometimes the betrayer denies regardless of proof, then uses the betrayed partner's emotional reaction to justify ending the marriage. Perhaps one day the author can write a book expanding the concepts to situations where the betrayed did not choose to stay or go, or receive closure of an acknowledgment. Perhaps that book could be more about healing from an old wound than a recent occurrence. It is an amazing book, and I am gaining a great deal from it. Not sure if I am fully the target market.

This book does an amazing job at helping a betrayed spouse understand the chaotic and conflicting emotions swirling around them after the discovery of their spouse's betrayal, providing validation and comfort, and explaining why all of these feelings are absolutely normal and can be expected. Michelle Mays looks at betrayal through the lens of attachment, as our attachment system is the very thing that connects us with anyone in our lives, and how betrayal causes a break in the attachment bond to the person we're closest with, shattering trust, and leaving a betrayed partner feeling unsafe and violated. It's that break in the relational bond that leads to those emotions that can make a betrayed partner feel crazy: "I want to be comforted by the person I'm closest to. But the person I'm closest to is unsafe and I need to get away from them!" This is what Mays calls attachment ambivalence, and her explanation and normalization of this part of healing from betrayal is so thoughtfully explained and helps comfort the reader. Reading about the entire attachment process in our lives, and how our attachments can be disrupted with betrayal, throwing us into the cycle of ambivalence, made so much sense to me, and helped me feel like I wasn't crazy. The other part I found the most profound and helpful was her six phases of the Braving Hope process. Here she describes the six phases betrayed partners go through on the path to healing. Like anything else, it's not always linear for each person, but the descriptions and stated goals of each phase were distinct and I could identify my own timeline within many of those phases. (I'm definitely not at the last two phases yet myself.) I also appreciated that this book is written for both those who choose to stay and rebuild their relationship, as well as those who choose to leave and heal on their own. There's no pressure in the book to choose one way or the other, and support is provided for either path, as well as for those who are just choosing to not make a choice for now. Too often books on betrayal tend to focus on just rebuilding the relationship or starting over. Both are acceptable choices here, and the focus of this book is primarily focused on healing yourself, regardless of which choice you make, because whether you stay or go, you will still have to go through the grief and healing regardless. The Betrayal Bind provides a thoughtful analysis of the human attachment system and why betrayal hurts so much because of that system, and ends with a clear, detailed roadmap on the steps to move through the pain and trauma and find healing for yourself. My only suggestion would be to add a companion workbook for betrayed partners to use when working through the six phases.

With wisdom, understanding, and compassion, Michelle Mays has created the book every betrayed partner deserves to understand the impact of betrayal and unravel the complexities toward healing. Michelle’s insightful and revolutionary approach builds off the trauma model to explain, understand, and validate a betrayed partner’s experience through the lens of the attachment injuries caused by the betrayal. As a betrayed partner, I recognized so much of my experience in this book. "The Betrayal Bind" creates the vocabulary to understand and describe the overwhelming trauma symptoms and dysregulating reactions that had left me isolated and a shell of my former self. Betrayal blindness - yep, attached shame - yep, battling for empathy – yep, and more – yep, yep, and yep. By weaving in her own story, Michelle beautifully articulates the intense pain, anger, confusion, and longing caused by the betrayal, as well as the vulnerability, risk, and courage it takes to heal. Michelle’s attachment informed approach to healing outlines the six phases that move betrayed partners from despair and devastation to hope and flourishing. I am incredibly grateful for Michelle’s work which has transformed my own healing journey. I’m finally finding myself again - the bubbly, passionate, adventurous and happy woman who had faded so gradually over the last 8 years. I still have work to do to let that woman truly shine through again – but for the first time in a long time, I believe she’ll be making a full comeback, stronger and more vibrant than ever.

I am a natural skeptic of self-help books, there is some terrible stuff out there and if I had been at another point in my life I would have found talk of being on a hero's journey corny. But I picked up this book because the title of it matched exaclty where I was: stuck in a betrayal bind. I read it and lo and behold, and it does feel like a new path has opened for me out of my stuck-ness. I've read other books but none of them was written as closely to my experience as this one. Sometimes when Mays introduced a concept, I would think to myself, thats not my issue. But then I kept reading and the penny would drop and I realised it was. Her explainations made sence and her advise is indeed empowering. I still don't know what my future holds, but now understanding myself better, I feel ready to face its full reality, trusting myself again to make right decisions. To Michelle Mays, you are my hero for writing this book. To anyone else stuck in the awful blackhole of betrayal, hugs from me & read this book.

Absolutely invaluable in counselling betrayed partners. One of the best frameworks I've seen and in the back has a clear roadmap or progressive steps back to some balance. I so wish I had had this during my crisis.

God told me You don't belong. I belonged to God and He has led me to this wonderful book. All things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose. He meant it for evil but God meant it for good. All glory to God He is always faithfull. I will never leave you or forsake you. My ex was an chemically dependent sex addict who was only capable of using people. His betrayal is no longer a loss but a gain as I found God who is the way the truth and the light. My ex could not be honest and there for me as he was incapable. He addiction ruled his life and distorted his thinking. I choose to forgive as God has forgiven me all my short comings and wrong doing. I am free this book is wonderful as knowledge is powerfully helpful and healing. Thank you x

This book is an incredible resource for those navigating betrayal. Not only will you gain understanding of what is happening to you, but you will find courage to hope and heal. Very empowering book.

Michelle Mays writes so fluently and knowledgeably on this subject. I wish I had had this book available to me 7 years ago. So many A-ha moments. I urge any betrayed partner or partner of an addict to get a copy of this - the soothing balm of being heard and understood is very healing.